Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Substitute Teacher Am I

See, the thing is, substitute teaching freaks me out. Well, the idea of subbing freaks me out. Once I get to the school, and I see what I'm supposed to be doing, I can calm down, but going to each new subbing assignment is like the perpetual new first day of work - remember how frightening those are? You don't know the culture, or where anything is, or what anyone is like. Subbing is like a perpetual first day at the new job.

Tomorrow - which is to say, later this morning - I have a potential stint at an elementary school in the Bronx. I have no clue what the flow of a day in an elementary school is supposed to be like, not having been in one for more than 20 years. My recollection of being around small children is that they're supposed to be kept busy every minute of the day otherwise there's this thing called "havoc" that winds up happening. I could cancel, but there's no reason for "too scared to go." And I desperately need the money if I want to get my car fixed and inspected, and go to DMAC in June, and pay back Chris for the registration fee he loaned me.

I really, truly don't know why I'm so freaked out to go in. The kids themselves don't frighten me; it's the unknown. I dislike not knowing what's expected of me, and I dislike that it's such a long commute. I'm beginning to admit to myself that I don't want to teach at the secondary level - I've thought about this for awhile - but I don't know what else I would do. (Adjuncting would be worse.) I just can't connect to students at that age, so I worry about that, too, when I sub. The only rational thing to do is to go back to bed, calm myself down, and realize that the work could not possibly be as bad as I think it might.

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