Friday, January 23, 2009

Unhappy Post

I was going to keep this to myself, but maybe writing will help me feel better. I'm miserable; here's why:
  1. I'm lonely; I'm feeling isolated (not an adjective I use lightly). I have no friends on Long Island, and not many in the city, so my social life consists of seeing co-workers and classmates at school, and spending time with Chris when he's home, which is not much because his job is demanding as of late. 
  2. I'm fat. (Why mince words?) I think I may have an eating disorder, but I don't know. I actually would like to go to a treatment center, but I don't have any insurance to cover it, and can't pay for it otherwise; and of course I can't afford insurance, although I may have some help with that. What's I'd really like is to go away to a treatment center, but that's impractical, both financially and time-wise, at the moment.
  3. I could be substituting, except I can't afford the train tickets to get me to the schools in the city. Yes, I could ask Chris for money for train tickets but I have trouble consistently asking for help. I can't afford to pay my bills; I can't afford to feed myself.
  4. I don't actually want to be a substitute teacher; to be honest I'm not sure I want to teach high school or middle school but I feel I should try it for a year or two to make sure I don't hate before dismissing it as a career choice. I loved teaching Freshman Comp last semester; I liked that age, that caught-between-high-school-and-college mindset; I liked mentoring the students; I loved reading and responding to their papers and having class discussions that took off. But the younger students are a different kettle of fish, and whereas I find it easy to relate to college kids, I find it difficult to relate to younger students and develop assignments for them - in a way I don't for undergrads.
I write none of this to sound melodramatic or accusatory; I write these thoughts tonight because I am feeling overwhelmed and alone. I need money I don't have; I'm tired of asking for help so I can solve these problems that I feel I should be able to solve on my own, although the logical part of my mind tells me that I should ask for help if I need it. I don't know who to ask for help. I feel I need too much help with too much of my life. And I feel inundated with worry.

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