- I'm lonely; I'm feeling isolated (not an adjective I use lightly). I have no friends on Long Island, and not many in the city, so my social life consists of seeing co-workers and classmates at school, and spending time with Chris when he's home, which is not much because his job is demanding as of late.
- I'm fat. (Why mince words?) I think I may have an eating disorder, but I don't know. I actually would like to go to a treatment center, but I don't have any insurance to cover it, and can't pay for it otherwise; and of course I can't afford insurance, although I may have some help with that. What's I'd really like is to go away to a treatment center, but that's impractical, both financially and time-wise, at the moment.
- I could be substituting, except I can't afford the train tickets to get me to the schools in the city. Yes, I could ask Chris for money for train tickets but I have trouble consistently asking for help. I can't afford to pay my bills; I can't afford to feed myself.
- I don't actually want to be a substitute teacher; to be honest I'm not sure I want to teach high school or middle school but I feel I should try it for a year or two to make sure I don't hate before dismissing it as a career choice. I loved teaching Freshman Comp last semester; I liked that age, that caught-between-high-school-and-college mindset; I liked mentoring the students; I loved reading and responding to their papers and having class discussions that took off. But the younger students are a different kettle of fish, and whereas I find it easy to relate to college kids, I find it difficult to relate to younger students and develop assignments for them - in a way I don't for undergrads.
I write none of this to sound melodramatic or accusatory; I write these thoughts tonight because I am feeling overwhelmed and alone. I need money I don't have; I'm tired of asking for help so I can solve these problems that I feel I should be able to solve on my own, although the logical part of my mind tells me that I should ask for help if I need it. I don't know who to ask for help. I feel I need too much help with too much of my life. And I feel inundated with worry.