Thursday, July 31, 2008

Discouraged

I write this post in a moment of semi-vulnerability; it's rare that I allow myself to write publicly during such times. It's nothing too serious, I think, and I think that "this too shall pass," but this does not stop me from being deeply discouraged lately (by which I mean this past year).

I'm discouraged because I can't find a teaching job. Yes, I know that they can be difficult to find; yes, I know that it's possible I may not find one; yes, I know that it's quite possible I will find one. But I've sent out hundreds of resumes - seriously; I am not exaggerating - and have yet to have a single job offer, even from a school I know would be a bad fit. It's hard to not take this personally; even if it's not entirely personal, some part of it is. Why does no one who is in the position of hiring me think enough of me to hire me, to think I could be just a basic, good, solid teacher? I refuse to believe I couldn't be a good teacher; I innately feel that I am and that I have talent in this area.

I'm discouraged because I'm tired of being poor. Yes, I know that there are people who are truly poor, who don't have anyone to live with, who go hungry, etc. Yet I thoroughly dislike being so financially dependent on anyone (and in the past few years, this person has been Chris) that I can't afford to buy the train tickets I need to get to and from school, to buy my school supplies and books, or even buy my own food much of the time. I've worked every single job offer I've ever gotten at school (or anywhere, for that matter, this past year), and it's still not been enough. Do you really know what this does to a person who likes to be independent enough to support herself and to live on her own? I want to feel that I live with Chris because I choose to, because we both want to live together, and not simply because it's that I have nowhere else to go. This is how I feel much (most) of the time. I hope Chris doesn't feel that way.

I'm discouraged because I feel myself getting burned out in school - again. I was tired of school by the time I reached 9th grade; I was burned out by the time I graduated (barely) from high school; and I certainly needed a break before going back to college. (I am thankful I worked for several years before going back to college, and I am thankful I moved to New York. I wouldn't have been able to develop a sense of self without doing so.) I am doing very well in school right now - the best I've ever done; my G.P.A. will be quite good - but I've been pushing myself this past year because I know I'll need to stop afterwards and take a mental break. I still have a post to write about all I'm thinking about in terms of doctoral studies, but I'm still working that one out in my mind. My needing a break from college is one of the big reasons, but there are others.

I'm discouraged because I feel I have a shaky attachment to Catholicism right now. It's not as shaky as it once was, but I'm not happy with where I stand. I want to talk to a priest, but I'm not sure what I want to say; I want to go on a retreat, but I can't afford it. I want to be happy about one thing in my life. Right now I'm not happy about anything.

I'm discouraged because I'm not happy about anything right now. I'm discomfited, and I don't know how to get myself back. I do not want to be this person that I am right now. I want to be different, in every way that I can think of.

And I've kept all this largely to myself because what I dislike most of all are platitudes that people offer. I don't want to be told that all this will be all right, or that it will all work out. Right now, this does not help me. I don't know what would.

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